FROM THE ARCHIVE: The Urban Commando Guide

12 Dec

An advice guide to every day life written from the point of view of a raging psychopath, the Urban Commando series ran regularly in a well known gentleman’s art pamplet back in 2003/4. Then one of their legal team must have seen it. The image, obviously is freshly added…

This one deals with music festivals and may contain stong language and massively unnecessary violence. Oh and sex. You have been warned.


Life is riddled with extreme situations. Get blindsided by the unexpected and, before you know it, you’ve won yourself a ride on the death-pig. So, prepare yourself for life with ex Extra-Special Forces commander JACK RYAN, a man whose experience in survival is second to none…

My father was a wise man. “Ryan,” he would say to me (he called us all by our surname) “it’s easy to make a smart decision. Just think of something clever and then do the opposite,” At least, I think that was what he said. He would often conceal himself around the house and leap out of crevices to surprise us with profound observations like: “Whenever there’s answers… there’s always questions,” and “You never truly know you’re alive until a psycho’s got a knife to your Johnson.” And it was these and his over-riding philosophy on life that made me who I am today – the family motto: ‘Everyone’s a cunt, except me’. Which is something you should all bear in mind, particularly when you attend one of the events I’ll be advising on this month – the killing fields that are music festivals…

Nothing is as vital when attending a lengthy music festival than arriving early, reccy-ing a good site and setting up base camp. You don’t want to end up camping in the toilet overflow or near students of foreigners, so here’s how to secure your own corner of England.
a) First blood. Whenever the site is due to open, you need to get in an hour earlier at least. There are many ways to do this, but going over the fence is always the best. If there’s guards, even better – you can use one to break your fall. Stash the body and you’re ready to reccy the site.
b) Veil of darkness. It’s important to move with stealth. If it’s night, I recommend nightvision goggles to give you the advantage. They’ll be guards everywhere but, if it’s one of those hippy, peace crap festivals, chances are they’ll be pussies. If one gets to close, lie low and use your nightvision to get up close then, once he stops thrashing, stash the stiff and move out.
c) Location, Location, Location. Pick somewhere with a tree perimeter (for late night latrines), and, if you had the good sense to bring six tents with you, set them up in a wide circle and dig a pit for a fire in the middle. Next, set up perimeter fencing to stop stragglers wandering in, and just one obvious entrance… rigged with a bear trap.
d) Mark your territory. Come the next day you’ll most likely awake to find your base camp engulfed in a sea of tents. If anyone is too close, slash their tents with your blade so that they’re rendered useless and the little fuckers will have to go home. Then, just so you can see your way back from a distance, stick something unique on a large pole and jam it in the ground. Like a severed head. Or a flag.

Public toilets are a breeding ground for death, be it from ameobic dysentry, an overly powerful aeroplane pump, or just shit ninjas lying in wait, you should never step foot in one unless it’s the last resort. And then never step foot in one. Fortunately, follow my lead and you’ll never have to…

a) Filth and loathing. Nothing good ever came out of music festival toilets. From the first hour of opening the grounds, these hideous TARDISes of shit will be over-flowing with the outpourings from a million sickly vegetarian arses. My advice is to piss wherever you feel like it and shit in a bag and hurl it as far from your tent as possible.
b) Next to godliness. It’s almost impossible to stay clean at a music festival, but if you don’t want to end up pulling Botfly larvae out of your face on the second day, it’s important to keep those wounds clean. You can either queue with the other plebs for the cold tap, or, taking your hint from Mother Nature, lick yourself clean. Eventually, it becomes natural.
c) Disco inferno. Remember: nothing sterilises like a good cleansing fire. If your kit gets dirty, rather than wasting precious water, why not simply scorch it clean again? It’s vital to keep your fire going for the entire duration of the festival, just in case you suddenly need to cook some beans, or destroy evidence.
d) Back to nature. Near most festival sites there’s usually a river or even a pond that can be utilised for bathing. However, given that the majority of these contain things that will burrow into you or give you brain-damaging diseases, it’s probably best to flood the area with industrial bleach first and then lop in a couple of grenades to see off the bigger threats.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll sensibly refuse to eat anything you haven’t killed and cooked yourself. But, there is always the possibility of having your supplies stolen in the night by a bear, so what then?
a) Nature provides. Most festivals tend to take place in the countryside, so snaring a rabbit or some crusty’s three-legged dog should not prove too much of a problem. Even a three-legged dog can provide you with all the vitamins, minerals and protein you’ll need for the duration of the festival.
b) Wealth distribution. If you’re desperate for tucker and you don’t trust the stalls, I like to watch others eating and, if they’re still okay a third into their grub, it’s time to seize the goods and dismiss the former owner with a swift blow to the neck.
c) Forage for berries. Well, when I say ‘berries’ I mean real food. And when I say ‘forage’ I mean, root through everybody else’s tents for their secret stashes. Soon you’ll be dining like a king!
d) Needs must. If all else fails and there really is no alternative, it’s time to approach the food stands. I recommend picking something bland and keeping the cook with you at knife-point for up to 24-hours later, just in case somebody needs to describe it all to a medic.

Music festivals are about so much more than just the bands that play. You’re there to soak up the atmosphere and have a good time. Buy yourself an amusing hat, like a balaclava, and try to mix in.
a) Make eye contact. If there’s someone you’d like to get to know, the best thing you can do is to stand facing them, about 20 yards away, and stare at them until they notice you. If, at that point, they don’t come over or invite you over, stare unblinkingly at them to really make your intentions known. They may run away eventually. They just want you to follow them…
b) All the fun. You’ll probably run into festival clowns, mimes and all kinds of other wankers on your journeys. If, like me, you constantly carry a flaming torch around, you can soon deter them. Ever seen a mime run screaming into the night, hair burning like Michael Jackson? Now that’s entertainment.
c) Soldier’s rations. There tends to be many outlets for booze at festivals and, although it should generally be taken in moderation, there’s still nothing quite like the sight of a bunch of student’s terrified faces when you come bursting out of the night, naked as the day you were born, smeared in blood, screaming curses and hurling burning logs onto their tents! Brilliant.
d) Captain Oats. Festivals are great places for getting your end away with some filthy bint that’s had too much sun. But, there’s the keyword ‘filthy’. Whether it’s some old hippy or some young slapper, the fact that she’s happy to let you empty your ammo up her, means she’s probably riddled. Use a thick condom, tape it on tight at the bottom and lay a bin bag over her before insertion.

There’s a chance that there may actually be some bands on that you quite fancy seeing. But, quite honestly, in these days of Wank 182 and Limp Wristed, I doubt it. However, if you find yourself drawn to the particular vibes of a band, here’s the M.O.
a) Up close and personal. There’s no point standing at the back of a festival crowd and watching the screens, as you may as well be at home. The best way to cut through the crowd is by concealing a small blade in each hand and walking through, jabbing at kidneys. They’ll all fall by the wayside and you can even feign a mock “You okay?” As you pass by.
b) Space maker. If it’s a lively guitar-based act, it’s likely that they’ll be a lot of young kids jumping up and down and bouncing off each other. If you want to stop this happening to you, I recommend making a gruesome, bloody example of one of them.
c) Back stage. Getting into hospitality should only be attempted at night when visibility is poor. Security will probably have some form of uniform so, after you’ve disposed of the previous occupant in some poor sap’s tent, pop it on and make your way calmly in. They’ll be journalists and what-have-we on the other side with official passes. Repeat process. As a game, see how high up in authority you can get!
d) In on the act. If you fancy yourself as the next Django Reinhardt or Perry Como, head to one of the smaller stages or tents and, by rendering a lesser known act too ill to perform, you can simply assume their identity and croon to your heart’s content!

When the fun’s over and it’s time to leave – say, the festival’s closing, or some of your handiwork has been dredged up in the long-drop toilets, speed is of the essence. You don’t want to get caught in a traffic jam or by the law, so here’s how to hightail it in style.
a) Keep Britain tidy. You should always clean your base camp up – and what’s the best way to do this thoroughly? That’s right: a blazing fire. Dowse everything in petrol and light up. Not only will it destroy your camp site and everyone/thing therein, it’ll also create ash to fertilise the surrounding grass.
b) Hit the road. To avoid snarl-ups on the road, it’s vital to be the first car out. This can be achieved by simply knifing the tyres of all the cars in the car park and dragging the screaming owners out of the lead car… which then becomes yours. There may even be sweets in the glovebox!
c) Control the flow. In most situations, the police are on hand to control the direction and flow of the traffic. As this can be a real pain in the arse, why not simply drive across surrounding farmers’ fields instead? You can go as fast as you like and in any direction you like. Watch out for that cow!
d) Soak up the ambulance. If all else fails, it’s worth getting chatty with an ambulance driver. Then, when he’s playing nearly dead in the back, you can wear his coat and, siren blaring, simply plough through the parting traffic! Huzzah!

All of which brings us to the end of yet another practical guide. Follow these simple rules and you’ll have a great festival and come home with a lot of memories that’ll be with you for years to come. Remember seeing your favourite band live? Remember sitting up all night round the campfire? Remember the look of absolute surprise on that hippy’s face as you reached out and snapped his peacenik neck? Happy days, indeed, my boys! Happy days!

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