7 Jan

Police warned again today over the inherent dangers of e-meeting people over the Internet after it was revealed that one in ten was now a victim of frape. The latest fuckwit to come forward describes how she had been aware of being followed by her would-be attacker for some time, but never considered how serious intentions towards her were. For security reasons her identity has been protected. “She always seemed harmless enough,” our cretin told reporters via Instant Messenger, “Okay, I had no idea who she was, but some of her Tweets were so hilarious! And she was following so many people how could I have known she’d single me out?

The virtual online relationship had latest over two months before things took a more sinister turn. “By this time we’d moved onto the next stage and become Facebook friends, and I was even considering inviting her to join me on LinkedIn, but then, one day, she took exception to one of my status updates… and that’s when I began to become concerned.”

Dirty laundry, public

She continued: “I can’t even really remember what I’d said now. I think I’d quoted something from the Daily Mail which I’d agreed with… but she clearly didn’t. Firstly she questioned my intelligence, then she turned quite rude and, finally, it just became a mass argument punctuated by pure abuse. I was horrified – it was all on my wall, for everyone to see. It was all I could do to keep replying and help perpetuate the public humiliation. After a few weeks of this I unfriended her and thought that was the last of it.”

But the worst was yet to come. “It’s one of those things you never think will happen to you. You know it goes on, but you never imagine… not even in your worst nightmares. She was one of only a few dozen people I’d shared my Facebook password – emmawest34 – with, so it must have been her. I came home one day and the fuse for my lights must have gone as the house was completely dark. Naturally the first thing I did was get my phone out to write a funny update about it, but when I logged in… that’s when she’d struck. And now, now I’m no longer emmawest34 – my username and password are the same, incidentally – but just another victim of frape.”

Furry cup

Ending the I.M press conference, emmawest34 declined to reveal the precise details of the frape. But a simple search on Facebook revealed it was: “I drink from the furry cup” followed up by a simple “Hot-cock sandwich”.


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