Sign of the TV Times

24 Feb

Not quite the piece I’d initially envisioned writing in which I’d devise my ideal TV programmes, whilst doing some arse/sofa-based research in front of the idiot lantern I realised that the clichéd mouth-breathers you hear everywhere banging on about there being nothing on television were actually right. It still doesn’t make them the kind of people I’d want to mix with or even stop pushing away by their faces when they approach me, but regardless they had a point. Far from the promised land of HD eye-porn entertainment I’d imagined lay behind the great glass eye in my living room, what I found across my 300+ channels was, at best, a dearth of any kind of imagination as though all programmes had been conceived by a panel of ponytailed studio execs prior to sniffing charlie from an aging hooker’s mimsy and, at worst, unrelenting digital arse-wank dribbling freely from the distended anus of the corpse of entertainment.

You can almost picture it: Right, I’ve got the 50-inch High Definition 3D TV developed. Jeff you’ve built the 7.1 Dolby Digital surround sound system, yep? Dave, you’ve built a digital box capable of doling out countless hundreds of channels, right… Hang on, where’s Trev with the endless hours of quality programming? Shit, we did tell him, didn’t we?

Yes, someone clearly forgot to push any money into developing anything even vaguely worth pointing your eyes at. So with that in mind, rather than TV I would make, you get this, a loose blend of parodies and televisual despair at how it all may as well be, as though I was holding up some kind of mirror to the idiot box, the idiots that fill it and, most of all, the idiots that stare at it. Enjoy!

Tonight Mitchell tears out someone's throat in front on an entire infant school, Annie fannies about and Gary fights the urge to reform Tubeway Army.

21.00 BBC3: Being Numan

Darkly nihilistic drama in which three tortured souls share a flat in Wales, guarding each other from the world and guarding the world from them, for these are no ordinary housemates – combining black comedy and the occult in the ultimate moderately light-entertainment twist, this particular threesome comprises a vampire, a werewolf and Gary Numan. I shit you not.

"Oh fucking hell... look at that. You filthy, fat fucks..."

19.30 Channel 4: Bland Designs
Openly bored out of his fucking Feng Shui tree, Kevin McCloud tours a series of housing designs cobbled together by real people with realistic budgets, yawning aloud, constantly mumbling ‘For fuck’s sake…’ and getting genuinely angry with what the proles think constitutes architecture and interior designs before urinating freely over their meager possessions, screaming directly into camera and clawing at his own eyes. This week Kev visits a housing estate just outside of Croydon furnished entirely by Swedish flatpack furniture and howls hauntingly for the whole hour.

Taking TV justice to its logical conclusion.

16.30 ITV2: Judge Judy and Executioner
Kangaroo courtroom action in which inbreds argue over who owns some trifling toss or owes someone else a sex-act, or something, before an acid-tongued, hatchet-faced beak pronounces judgement, sentencing the trial loser to an unnecessarily excruciating, sadistically inventive and highly illegal death before a baying crowd of their trailer-dwelling peers and extras from the new Mad Max film.

Westwood points fingers aplenty at the so-called witchhunters.

21.00 No Men or Motors: Duck You Up, Wiatch!
Professor Tim Westwood delves into the horrific events, corruption and torture that mark the European witch hunts as one of history’s darkest periods. This episode The Big Dog throws it down to da fems Witch Finder General, Matthew Hopkins, kicking him to the curb – Boom! straight blazin’.

A TV medical show that's actually worse than any illness.

09.30 Heebie-Ceebies: What’s Up, Doc?
Irreverent fatal illnesses phone-in with a wise-cracking animated rabbit (voiced by Dr Hilary Jones). Today’s topic: the funny side of brain aneurisms.

11.00 ITV1 HD: Even Looser Women
Real-life gynaecologically graphic women’s plastic surgery series in gruelling High Definition. Today: the horror… the horror…

Just sit in your chair and stare at it until Death comes.

07.00 Extra Virgin: Carry On Star Trek marathon
400 looped, out of sequence episodes of piss-poor CGI-heavy, slapstick Sci-Fi series with Kenneth Williams and the other dead ones not so boldly carrying on aboard the USS Enter-Roughly. Lamentable.

16.00 Food & Drink: McDonalds’ McDonald’s
McDonald-monikered ‘celebrities’ travel the country reviewing their favourite McDonald’s restaurants and experiencing every available Happy Meal option. This week British news veteran Sir Trevor enjoys the nuggets of Northampton while Scottish warbler Amy tackles the deep-fried dipping sauce of Dunfermline. Contains scenes of graphic violence.

13.00 Unemployed HD: Hurty Hospital
Repeat of the raunchy medical drama from 2007 starring those too old to be in Hollyoaks any more, run once again to give students and scroungers a reason to get up. Today a runaway ambulance full of uniform-hungry moths crashes into A&E, causing an outbreak of lingerie amongst the nurses. Contains scenes of improbable titillation.

Pat Sharp presides over the nadir of society.

18.00 Prolevision: Britain’s Next Top TV Reality Show
Ordinary members of the public plug their ideas for new reality TV show formats to a panel made up of former reality show winners before you, the slack-jawed public, vote for the one you’d most like to pay for to be made. Hosted by mullet-headed Funhouse-era Pat Sharp.

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