ALL NEW: Jesus Christ!

6 Apr

Yep, it’s Easter, the point in the Christian calendar when we shake our fists angrily at Romans (or Jews if you’re Mel Gibson), nail people to trees and then eat chocolate eggs for largely inexplicable reasons. It’s also a four day weekend and, therefore, an excellent excuse to get and then stay drunk – thanks Mr Christ!

But, despite taking the holiday days anyway, there are many who don’t really believe that a baby was born of immaculate conception, was handy at woodwork, turned water to wine, did something equally nifty with bread and fish, and spent weeks in a Perspex box suspended above the ground in London with no food, water or toilet. They’re unforgivable heathen scum who’ll burn in Hell for all eternity with members of all other so-called religions, so they’ll get theirs alright!

After all, how can you not believe in someone who just keeps turning up in the most unlikely places? I mean, we’ve all had the face of JC rearing up at us once or twice, haven’t we? For me it’s normally whilst in the throes of orgasm. Which often makes me we ponder over just how much he looks like Bin Laden. Weird. Anyway, if you haven’t yet looked upon His divinine fizzog, here’s a few clues as to where you might catch Him…

The Tea Towel of Turin

Presenting the miracle of ‘Squint Hard Enough and You Can See Brian Blessed’

The Banana of Fife

Jesus loved this lady later.

Cheesus Sandwich of Nantwich

Father, Son and Holy Toast.

The KitKat Christ

Finally connecting Christ with chocolate.

Saviour Fishes for Me

The Jesus Stingray that took Steve Irwin to ‘a better place’.

Leg of Lamb of God

What’s more He died for her shins.

The Savoury Saviour

Yes, it seems your best bet for eye on Christ action is grilled cheese sandwiches.

Pizza His Body

Or in a three-cheese pizza. There’s a theme here.

Proof of Purchase of God

Jesus not only saw you buy that copy of Underaged Shaven Dwarf Horses, He has the evidence.

Holy Sock, Batman!

“Jesus was a black man. No Jesus was Batman No, no, no, no, not at all. That was Bruce Wayne ” – Hymm 132 by Black Grape.

Writing, Wall, On The

How do you deal with that? Do you paint over Him or just have him starring at you constantly, judging you like some Simon Cowell?

That’s enough of that now. Yep, I’m off to the pub to see if I can spot Jebus at the bottom of a pint pot. Merry Easter!

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One Response to “ALL NEW: Jesus Christ!”

  1. Steve 11/03/2016 at 00:57 #

    Dear Mr. Stuart Pritchard,

    You write like you know what you are talking about, spiced with sarcasm and satire. I am saddened to see that you have never encountered the truth or been captured by the immensity of the love of God in what is celebrated at Easter. Not having realized of whom you speak, nor having ever met Him I can understand the skepticism you indulge in. I am not going to try to prove you right or wrong. Let me just say that what seems plausible on the surface, findings found only through superficial observations, in most cases do not accurately depict reality.

    I too was once a deep skeptic and vocal doubter when it came to the things I could not see or fully explain. I was raised a preacher’s son, I knew it all, “inside and out” -but nothing of the kind was real to me, until one day I encountered Jesus Christ. The reality is that whether we want to or not we will all meet this incredible person who has been the topic of scorn in your writings on this page. I trust that you will acknowledge Him before you see Him as the final judge of the whole earth. Every person who has or ever will live on this planet earth will bow to His universal and absolute authority that will be revealed. We will each give an account of how we used the gift of life, and very specifically how we regarded the greatest gift of all time. Jesus is none other than God Almighty who came to earth to free you and me from our own self condemning attitudes of insolence and arrogance. For illustration sake if a little black ant were to voice his personal contempt of you Stuart, and if he were to do so repeatedly in your hearing it would not take very many times before you would just step on that little noise. You would have no remorse or guilt over silencing the trouble maker. That little ant is literally millions of times more able to harm you, than you are able to contend the God that you deride.

    If you read the Biblical accounts about Jesus Christ, you will find that this was not a good teacher, a magician or trickster. It is impossible to prove that He is not who He claimed to be. His life and purpose stands out independently from all else as the one and only fully God and fully human. Referred to in the Holy Writings as the “Lamb of God” – who purpose and appearance was planned from before the foundations of the earth. (Revelations 13:8) – and if you look it up you will see who it is that will acknowledge this.

    The good news of Easter – is not the frivolous and pathetic celebrations we see around us. The good news is that in spite of yours and my attitudes -a real and life changing encounter with Jesus Christ can be yours by simply and humbly asking God to forgive you. He has promised that He will be found of those that diligently seek for Him.

    Sincerely
    An old preacher

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