ALL NEW: Hello! Is It Me You’re Looking For?

31 Oct

Apparently not, but that doesn’t appear to stop countless Google Gullivers, cast adrift on the sea on uncertainty that is the internet, persisting on washing up on the sandy shores of my blog, desperately seeking that one thing beyond their mortal reach – Lazy town porn.

Yes, as a responsible cyber-clogger, I periodically like to check up on the calibre of person perusing my pages and, indeed, what it was that led them to me in the first place. Fortunately, thanks to the analytics offered by mein hosts, I can do just that, seeing what country they hail from and the precise phrase they tapped into Google (with just the one hand looking at the results) that pointed them at me. Unfortunately, the reality of that is not so great.

I think it’s fair to say that, looking at the evidence, by and large, I can draw the conclusion that a particular type of ‘person’ ends up here quite a lot. And in case you were wondering just who you might be sharing this very sentence with right now, below is a selection from seven days’ worth of search terms exactly as they were typed in.

Naturally, where I can I’ve tried to help… or at least try and understand…

Amish Tits
As far as I know, these are salty cured meat knuckles sold by the side of the road in Pennsylvania.

The search for Amish Tits unearths a typical sampler depicting some Amish types and, of course, Lara Croft Tomb Raider and her unfeasibly large chest.

Sex in a luxury Jacuzzi
I like the inclusion of the word ‘luxury’ – it suggests that this fastidious pervert won’t have sex with strangers in just any old cheap Jacuzzi. My kind of bloke.

Hobgoblin Cake
Progressive rock group from the 70s whose greatest hit was a four hour epic on ice based on the very least popular of J.R.R. Tolkien’s books, The Annual Accounts of Mordor.

Fat bloke in Jacuzzi
Probably the same bloke from before checking how well he’d be received in said hot tub sexy time.

Sewer overflow cartoon
Because eventually the kids grow out of Disney.

Caravan sex
Disappointed fat man formerly thinking of Jacuzzi jizing now clearly lowering his sights.

2000 anorexic models
Make one ‘to scale’ model? For those days when 1999 anorexic models just can’t get it up.

Amish and where all the hoes at
He may not have mastered the workings of the search engine, but he knows what he wants well enough.

Cracked canoe beer bottle
My Native American name.

Dick ellershaw and ebay
The legal lap dog of the famous-name-portable-convenience manufacturer (see here) and eBay. Selling second-hand shitters?

Cock slag
One from my teen audience there.

Models gone anorexic
Ah, Russell Brand, welcome to my blog!

Jacuzzi orgasm
After crushing rejection the fat bloke’s given up on the idea of sex in a luxury Jacuzzi and is now happy to settle for a bit of self-service in a public spa.

Captain America golf cart float ideas
Yep. I’ve some of them.

Mexicans. Doing typically Mexican things.

Things that Mexicans do
Although stereotypically labelled a lazy race, you’d imagine there would be many other sites citing the activities of Mexicans that appear before mine. Apparently you’d be wrong.

Laugh mannequin
A non-sex sex doll for the man who just wants someone to find him funny? Is that you James Cordon? And have you been trying to cop off in a Jacuzzi?

cartoon the journey of a cheese sandwich through your digestive system
Wait, this sounds like me. I’m sure I followed it up with charcoal relief of a tin of Spam on a busman’s holiday up the rectum, too.

lazy town porn call the cops
Becomes self-aware at 02:14 am Eastern Time… half way through a tawdry tug over a kids’ TV programme.

pooh fucking piglet
Oh Jesus, what’s wrong with you people?

unfeeling robot
What he really wanted to Google was ‘wife’.

The robot wished it was unfeeling; but it felt everything he did to it….

fit pikey girls
Define ‘fit’, Mr Gadd…

glory hole wall of cocks porn
It’s important to cover as many bases as you can when conducting your search to ensure satisfaction.

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