Luxury Gubbins News

12 Responses to “Luxury Gubbins News”

  1. stuartpritchard 26/11/2011 at 18:15 #

    Million Dollar Baby

    Swiss wrist action experts Hublot roll out the latest Big Bang for big bucks…

    Yep, just when the world economy seems even less steady than a drunken uncle at a family party, Hublot have laughed at the idea of austerity and given us this: The Baby Million
    Big Bang 44 mm Haute Joaillerie Chronograph.

    Comprised of 440 baguette diamonds, 451 brilliant cut diamonds – a total of 891 diamonds and a total of nearly 28 carats – this is the latest Haute Joaillerie creation from Hublot. A 44mm Big Bang automatic mechanical chronograph with a black dial in 18K white gold. Fancy.

    Designed to be ‘sporty’ despite the fact there’s Bob Hope of you ever doing anything other than berating a servant whilst wearing this it is, as described, ‘refined, elegant and contemporary’, which should serve to help placate you as you lapse into a wrist-staring breakdown with constant cries of “HOW MUCH?! HOW MUCH?!”.

    That said, clearly there are those still wealthy to the point that just thinking about how much money they have makes them physically sick, so why not spunk a mill of it away on a bit of bling? I would if I could and I know you would too, no matter how much you deny it.

  2. stuartpritchard 28/11/2011 at 16:41 #


    Funky Frenchies Roll Out Audio All-Rounder

    Touted as delivering not only the knock-out punch of being ‘revolutionary’ but also the savage-kicking-on-the-floor-wh​ile-you’re-down of being ‘unique’ too, these new Planet L loudspeakers from over the Channel audio experts Elipson come combining exceptional high-end performance with state of the art spherical design, resulting in sounds as easy on the eye as they are on the ear. The result of two years of development and Gallic shrugging, the Planet L’s feature a bass reflex enclosure made from an inert glass-fibre resin compound and come finished in a choice of three piano gloss colours: red, white and black.

    Crack it open in a warranty voiding way we suggest you don’t and you’ll find a 2-way 165mm coaxial driver with an integral 25mm soft dome tweeter, there to deliver sweet aural sex right into your ear – which is more pleasant than I’ve made it sound.

    On sale in the UK from 1st December for the piffling price of around £599 per pair, if your home audio is sounding a little lacklustre when it comes to pumping out the Jona Lewie this festive season then beef things up and get yourself one L of a set of balls…

  3. stuartpritchard 28/11/2011 at 18:18 #


    Short on cash? Then this is natcho cheese…

    The rich have always enjoyed showing off in the ugly, dirty faces of their lessers by going that one ludicrous step further – after all, if you can’t whip ’em anymore, highlight just how much more miserable their pathetic existence is than yours with a gaudy display of opulence. So, after having gold flakes added to their Champagne and vodka, encrusting just about everything they own in diamonds and platinum and drinking coffee filtered through fancy weasel things, the moneyed have finally gone and made cheese inaccessible to ‘normal’ people too…

    This is Long Clawson Stilton Gold, a premium white Stilton that is – you’ve probably guess it – shot-through with a blend of gold leaf and gold-Cinnamon Schapps. As you do. Costing £60 per 100g slice, what the addition of gold leaf brings to the taste of the cheese is unlikely to become any clearer here, but as an ostentatious display of fabulous wealth, it’s second only to simply cramming cash into your mouth and swallowing. Watch out for a Cheese String edition to follow for wealthy cheese lovers on the go.

  4. stuartpritchard 28/11/2011 at 18:53 #


    Londoners Bowled Ova in Egg Extravaganza

    In a tenuous link to pee-poor, often a touch racist, all-sexiest Bond movie Octopussy, makers of the world’s most expensive free-range eggs, Fabergé, has opened the doors on its first London store in 100 years.

    Octopussy famously featured a plot involving a clown, a fake Faberge egg, a real Fabergé egg, a bit with a tiger and Roger Moore doing the kind of things a geriatric really shouldn’t, whereas the new Fabergé store can be found on Grafton Street in Mayfair, mere chauffeuring distance from the original store at, you guessed it, Bond Street… which is where this moribund-from-birth loose connection draws to a savage and sudden end. Not unlike 008 who, in the film, came to a… nah forget it.

    Fabergé’s Managing and Creative Director, Katharina Flohr, saidof the grand oeufening: “We are thrilled to open the doors to the first Fabergé boutique in London since 1915. This is an important moment for us and for Fabergé to continue Peter Carl Fabergé’s legacy of exquisite creations and outstanding craftsmanship.” And we’re sure they didn’t skimp on shelling out on it either! Ah ha, ha, ha! Ahem.

    Fabergé was founded in St Petersburg, Russia, in 1842 – which is how some press releases end. They make eggs. The store is purple.

  5. stuartpritchard 28/11/2011 at 20:00 #


    Apple Innovator Remembered Through the Medium of Surrealism

    In one of many moving dedications to the man who did more for fruit and turtlenecks than any other that came before him, unusual/bordering on bonkers Swiss horological house De Bethune has produced the Dream Watch IV in timely tribute to Steve Jobs.

    A hybrid of a watch and a smartphone, just like Jobs the Dream Watch IV favours minimalist styling and has hands and a face, whilst just unlike Jobs the Dream Watch IV comes equipped with “avante-garde armour sculpted, specular-polished and beadblasted titanium” plus features a special 4S shield for protection against electromagnetic waves. The memories of Steve just come flooding back.

    Limited to just 12 pieces and due to be unveiled mid-January in Geneva at the De Bethune Exhibition, a more fitting tribute there could not be…

  6. stuartpritchard 28/11/2011 at 20:51 #


    Ex-NASA boffin gets in a spin with gold-plated platter spinner

    NASA – once upon a time it was all ‘space this’ and ‘space that’ then, after Richard Branson proved that orbital flight wasn’t exactly rocket science, they lost all interest, disbanded and vowed never to boldly go again. At least not that much. Perhaps when the economy was better. So the big question is: as an ex-NASA boffin, what do you do with your spare time when you’re not firing men into oblivion? You break out your old vinyl and reacquaint yourself with the classics, that’s what you do. Oh and you design yourself a luxury turntable fashioned from gold to play said classics on. Naturally.

    Yep, this is the OneDof turntable (One Degree of Freedom) – a fusion of exacting engineering and largely unnecessary bling. The work of Aleks Bakman, as well as being lavishly covered in gold components, the high-end audio equipment features non-resonant liquid suspension that enables external noise cancellation, and a noise cancelling drive based on the Texas Instruments microprocessor (nothing like the calculator you had as a child), combining Swiss craftsmanship with American engineering, resulting in Swerican craftsmaneering! Or something.

    Okay, so it may cost slightly more than the average record player at US $150,000 (£95,000 in real money), but then what price can you actually put on a gold turntable designed by a NASA engineer? Oh yes, £95,000 – I already said didn’t I? Astronomical…

  7. stuartpritchard 29/11/2011 at 12:32 #


    Today’s mega-rich perk is brought to you by the letter B and the number of your bank account…

    Given the recent news that British women are the most obese in Europe, when you hear tell of a new fusion of British and Swiss tradition it’d be easy merely to imagine nothing better than a bloated Chavette lounging on a bodily fluid coated sofa in front of Jeremy Kyle/Loose Women/Britain’s Got Tarrant, picking her collapsed septum nose and cramming as much Swiss chocolate into her corpulent, fag-stained mouth as possible as she waits for her two-for-one pizzas to be delivered from Solitaire’s. It’s very easy to imagine and so is she.
    Fortunately, however, not everywhere is as bad as Bloated Biatch Britain (as the NOTW might have labelled it) and across the gulf of space, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic have drawn different plans. Wait, that’s War of the Worlds, isn’t it. Okay, let’s cut to the chase – British king of the luxury car, Bentley, and Swiss time obsessives, Breitling, have made a watch. And as you might imagine, it’s pretty special…

    Bentley’s ISR Supersports convertible (of which just 100 will be produced) provides the inspiration for the new timepiece: the Supersports Ice Speed Record commemorative watch – a striking wrist-based combination of handcrafted technology and appealing aesthetics which, in keeping with the car, is also restricted to 100 pieces and, just to sweeten the deal, is available free only to those who buy the car.

    Sharing many of the same design cues as the limited edition extreme Bentley, the watch features distinctive red detailing, a carbon fibre fascia with dashboard-style dial, classically knurled finish on the control buttons, and it even comes presented in a carbon fibre presentation box. Exclusive enough for you? No? Jesus. Well in that case you’ll be pleased to hear that both watch and car also come personalised with the same engraved number, so not only do you get a car flasher than an army of exploding naturists and a free watch, but also your own special number to bandy about at the marina. Better still, insure your ISR through Compare the Market and you’ll get a free meerkat toy too! That’s bi-winning.


    Breitling Calibre 27B • Officially chronometer-certified by the COSC • Self-winding • High-frequency (28,800 vibrations per hour) • 38 jewels • 1/4th of a second chronograph • Central 60-minute totaliser • Combined 60-minute and 12-hour totaliser • Calendar

    Titanium case with special engraving on reverse • Dial with carbon fibre weave • Water resistant to 100m • Bidirectional rotating pinion bezel with variable tachometer (circular slide rule) • Cambered sapphire crystal face, glare proofed on both sides • Screw-locked crown • Diameter: 49mm

    Highly durable rubber

  8. stuartpritchard 30/11/2011 at 12:51 #


    Fresh Italian beef gets flame grilled in Rising Sun…

    Lamborghini’s latest addition to its range of mental supercars, the Aventador, won spectacular approval from both press and public when it was first unveiled at the Geneva Motor Show earlier this year for two vital reasons: firstly, it looks like the result of a tryst between the Lambo Gallardo and Satan and, secondly, it has a name you can pronounce confidently in public without worrying about mangling it completely and looking a berk. Gall-ar-doh? Guy-ar-doo? Murchy-largo? Mucky-lagoo? Aventador. Easy.

    Well, that easy on the tongue Aventador LP 700-4 has now completed its introductory world tour with a formal debut today in Japan, a VIP debut held at Japan’s National Stadium with Stephan Winkelmann (the Claudia it’s okay to like), President and CEO of Automobili Lamborghini, more than 100 journalists (of which I was not one) and 500 VIP customers and guests (ditto).

    But why is this worth a mention? Well other than my need to keep friendly with Lambo’s PR (Hi, Juliet, looking good! Had your hair done?) the manner of the debut was in keeping with the Dark Lord reference mentioned earlier as it involved the Aventador tackling a slalom race… through fire! Many died. No, not really. Just a few.

    The Japan launch comes at the end of a long, fiery road for the new Lambo, with previous destinations racking up as Rome, Shanghai, Sepang, Hong Kong, Singapore, Bangkok, Monterey, Miami, and Sao Paolo, with proposed Scunthorpe and Budleigh Salterton legs having to be scrapped due to research.

    Mr Winkelmann commented: “We are delighted to officially launch the Aventador in Japan. Combining brutal power, outstanding lightweight engineering and phenomenal handling combined with peerless design, the Aventador LP 700-4 delivers an unparalleled driving experience for our Japanese customers. We maintain a very loyal and growing client base in Japan, where we already have more than 80 orders for the Aventador. In addition, sales of our Gallardo model in Japan this year are up a record 60% over last year. Japan continues to be a very important market for Lamborghini.”

    Fancy being customer 81? All you need is £201,900 – which is around the price of a reasonable house,.But answer me this: which one is better on corners and more likely to help you pull hot, physically and morally flexible ladies? Plus you never see the Daily Mail banging on about immigration driving down Lamborghini prices do you?

  9. stuartpritchard 30/11/2011 at 16:34 #


    Strong booze sees Dan Aykroyd admit to Canadian heritage…

    More famous for the likes of the Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters and his massively fluctuating weight problems, Dan Aykroyd’s latest contribution to comedy is the unusually named and packaged Crystal Head Vodka. Doing the rounds since 2008 – perhaps to celebrate the opening of the Indiana Jones franchise killer, Indiana Jones and the Load of Misguided Crystal Cock – Crystal Skull does indeed take its name after the legend of the 13 Crystal Skulls and is made with pure, kosher-certified Newfoundland water in tribute to Dan’s Canadian roots (and presumably his Judaism), then quadruple distilled and filtered through 500-million year old crystals.

    But vodka, as we all know, is just what pretentious Russians call Turps, so it’s the bottle we’re more interested in, which in this case it’s made from Bruni Glass in Milan and clearly shaped like a skull (whose it’s based on I don’t know, it looks a bit like the Mitchell-Hedges crystal skull, but I’m going to start the far more interesting rumour that it’s actually the head of John Belushi) and therefore both cool and macabre simultaneously.

    Weighing in at an average 40% ABV , you can pick up a bottle for around £45, which may seem steep for a little head, but already a Double Gold Winner at the San Francisco World Spirits Competition what greater Crimbo gift could you get for the alcoholic Goth in your life?

  10. stuartpritchard 30/11/2011 at 18:19 #


    Rehashed Russian Rifles In Sartorial Assault…

    You’ll never get to Heaven with an AK-47, but you’ll definitely get through the door of even the most exclusive clubs is you flash these killer cuff-keeper-togetherers from Fonderie 47. Made from decommissioned AKers straight out of Africa and costing a cool US $32,700 (about £20,800 in good old Sterling), not only will these former weapons of small to medium-sized destruction keep you from looking like Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen by clamping those cuffs tight together, they also link up to transform into a rather angry looking bracelet. So pricey they may be, but they are dual-purpose, so that’s pure value for money right there.

    To help mask the feeling of cold metallic death on your wrists, the Fonderie 47s come embellished with far friendlier18-carat white gold and 18-carat rose gold and the conscience-easing fact that sale proceeds go to various anti-gun organisations in Africa who buy in and then destroy every discerning assault rifle user’s favourite death-bringer. So you’re not just wearing massively expensive bling, you’re saving lives…

    Funnily enough a journo I was with was offered an AK-47 in a souk in Marrakech last week. I mean, how are you supposed to haggle with somebody in possession of an AK-47? Submissively I guess…

  11. stuartpritchard 30/11/2011 at 18:45 #


    Sarojin sells the sexy side of shipwreck…

    It’s that time of year again when all thoughts turn inevitably towards, yes, Valentine’s Day (Hey I just write this stuff, I don’t make the rules). So if you’re looking to treat your better half to something different to a bunch of flowers, dinner at Nando’s and a quick fumble, why not go all out and book the pair of you on a special trip away from the madding crowds, on a trip that encompasses all the romance of being shipwrecked…
    Near starvation, sun-stroke, mania, urine drinking and uncontrollable sobbing before, ultimately, turning to murder and cannibalism are all trademarks of traditional shipwrecks, but The Sarojin in Thailand has a slightly different itinerary. Thank Poseidon.

    Stuck somewhere between Baan Nam Khem and Koh Koh Khao, you’ll awake in luxurious surroundings and enjoy a lavish à la carte breakfast with sparkling wine before being whisked away to the base of the Sri Phang Nga National Park, stopping en route to pick up local ingredients from the colourful Takuapa market, before being led through the jungles to the foot of a beautiful jungle waterfall where you’ll enjoy a private Thai cooking class with The Sarojin’s highly-acclaimed Chef.

    Following food you’ll be escorted to the majestic Lady Sarojin private yacht for an intimate sunset cocktail cruise through the enchanting mangrove estuaries and forests, on your way towards your exclusive, uninhabited sand island in the midst of the glistening Andaman Sea.

    Upon arrival at your very own pristine sand isle, you will be welcomed by your personal butler (refer to him as Friday, I would) and private chef to your elegant playground for the evening ahead, complete with a cocktail seating area to watch the evening sunset, a dining area with fresh seafood, and a relaxing coconut lounge for dessert, after dinner drinks and to relax in the arms of your loved one.

    At the end of your shipwrecked adventure, a traditional Thai longtail pleat boat will “rescue” you from your private island and transfer you back to the mainland and onto the multi-award winning resort where your luxurious guest residence awaits, romantically styled for your return. Whatever that means.

    Okay, so with luxury thrusting in your face at every turn, private staff, yachts and cocktails, it’s pretty much as far from being shipwrecked as possible, but then for £2,245 for two (inc. six nights’ accommodation and airport transfers) you’d hope so. However, I’ve checked and there’s absolutely nothing to stop you from drinking your own urine should you so wish. But murder and cannibalism is still frowned upon.

  12. stuartpritchard 30/11/2011 at 20:20 #


    Bling Tones Galore as Mersey Midas Adorns Apple…

    Soon pretty much everyone you know will have an iPhone 4S, effectively crushing that sense of pioneering individuality you felt when you queued to be amongst the first to own one that distant Friday morning. But then what did you think was going to happen? However there’s still a way to set yourself aside from 4S-toting hoi polloi via the simple medium of giving £6-million to a Scouser…

    I speak of course of Liverpool-based Goldfingerer Stuart Hughes who, for the piffling aforementioned sum will take the Apple of your eye and redo the bezel by hand in rose gold studded with approximately 500 individual flawless diamonds, re-engineer the rear section using 24-carat gold, touch-up the Apple logo with 24-carat gold Apple logo and 53 diamonds, and change the main navigation button to something a bit more shiny with the addition of more gold and, of course, a single cut 8.6-carat diamond.

    Does all that tot up to £6-million? Well, using the Pritchard Media abacus, adding in labour costs, shipping, etc we’re coming up short. Oh wait, what’s this? Ah the box it comes in is made from solid Platinum with polished pieces of original dinosaur bone from the T-Rex along with rare stones such as Opal, Pietersite, Charoite, Rutile Quartz and Star Sunstone, is it? Hang on… carry the four, divide by the original number I made up and… yep, £6-million bang on!

    Stuart will be using the 64GB iPhone 4S and limiting his golden apples to an edition of just two, the first of which was apparently commissioned by an anonymous Australian business woman. I can only think of Dame Edna.

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