Hello! Is It Me You’re Looking For?

Apparently not, but that doesn’t appear to stop countless Google Gullivers, cast adrift on the sea on uncertainty that is the internet, persisting on washing up on the sandy shores of my blog, desperately seeking that one thing beyond their mortal reach – Lazy town porn.

Yes, as a responsible cyber-clogger, I periodically like to check up on the calibre of person perusing my pages and, indeed, what it was that led them to me in the first place. Fortunately, thanks to the analytics offered by mein hosts, I can do just that, seeing what country they hail from and the precise phrase they tapped into Google (with just the one hand looking at the results) that pointed them at me. Unfortunately, the reality of that is not so great.

I think it’s fair to say that, looking at the evidence, by and large, I can draw the conclusion that a particular type of ‘person’ ends up here quite a lot. And in case you were wondering just who you might be sharing this very sentence with right now, below is a selection from seven days’ worth of search terms exactly as they were typed in.

Naturally, where I can I’ve tried to help… or at least try and understand…

Amish Tits
As far as I know, these are salty cured meat knuckles sold by the side of the road in Pennsylvania.

The search for Amish Tits unearths a typical sampler depicting some Amish types and, of course, Lara Croft Tomb Raider and her unfeasibly large chest.

Sex in a luxury Jacuzzi
I like the inclusion of the word ‘luxury’ – it suggests that this fastidious pervert won’t have sex with strangers in just any old cheap Jacuzzi. My kind of bloke.

Hobgoblin Cake
Progressive rock group from the 70s whose greatest hit was a four hour epic on ice based on the very least popular of J.R.R. Tolkien’s books, The Annual Accounts of Mordor.

Fat bloke in Jacuzzi
Probably the same bloke from before checking how well he’d be received in said hot tub sexy time.

Sewer overflow cartoon
Because eventually the kids grow out of Disney.

Caravan sex
Disappointed fat man formerly thinking of Jacuzzi jizing now clearly lowering his sights.

2000 anorexic models
Make one ‘to scale’ model? For those days when 1999 anorexic models just can’t get it up.

Amish and where all the hoes at
He may not have mastered the workings of the search engine, but he knows what he wants well enough.

Cracked canoe beer bottle
My Native American name.

Dick ellershaw and ebay
The legal lap dog of the famous-name-portable-convenience manufacturer (see here) and eBay. Selling second-hand shitters?

Cock slag
One from my teen audience there.

Models gone anorexic
Ah, Russell Brand, welcome to my blog!

Jacuzzi orgasm
After crushing rejection the fat bloke’s given up on the idea of sex in a luxury Jacuzzi and is now happy to settle for a bit of self-service in a public spa.

Captain America golf cart float ideas
Yep. I’ve some of them.

Mexicans. Doing typically Mexican things.

Things that Mexicans do
Although stereotypically labelled a lazy race, you’d imagine there would be many other sites citing the activities of Mexicans that appear before mine. Apparently you’d be wrong.

Laugh mannequin
A non-sex sex doll for the man who just wants someone to find him funny? Is that you James Cordon? And have you been trying to cop off in a Jacuzzi?

cartoon the journey of a cheese sandwich through your digestive system
Wait, this sounds like me. I’m sure I followed it up with charcoal relief of a tin of Spam on a busman’s holiday up the rectum, too.

lazy town porn call the cops
Becomes self-aware at 02:14 am Eastern Time… half way through a tawdry tug over a kids’ TV programme.

pooh fucking piglet
Oh Jesus, what’s wrong with you people?

unfeeling robot
What he really wanted to Google was ‘wife’.

The robot wished it was unfeeling; but it felt everything he did to it….

fit pikey girls
Define ‘fit’, Mr Gadd…

glory hole wall of cocks porn
It’s important to cover as many bases as you can when conducting your search to ensure satisfaction.

What’s In A Web Name?

As you know, it’s still early days for the Internet and, wisely, most people are waiting to see if it has any of the longevity of Ceefax before getting involved. So during this test period the ‘Web’ – as the kids have taken to calling it – remains a bit of a bleak, hollow nothingness.

Sure, you can gain free and easy access to all the bukaki dwarf filth you or the subject can stomach before vomiting your eyes out, you can hand over your bank details to as many Nigerian Princes, Euro Lottos and Pyramid Schemes as it takes to see Debtor’s Prisons reintroduced just to send you to one, and you can waste what remains of your life poring over the banal blogs of freelance hacks desperate for some kind, any kind of attention, but ultimately there’s nothing of any real interest out there. Or, to use a Top Gear-ism, is there? Well of course there is, otherwise this post would be not just an abuse but an absolutely Rwandan-style genocidal onslaught of the term ‘pointless’.

As ever the richest open vein of blood gobbing entertainment on the Internet comes from extracting the urine from the misfortunes, misadventures and missing-the-other-side-of-the-cliffs of others. But whereas lesser blogs would now just point you towards YouTube clips of air-gulpers getting maimed or, better still, killed in countless amusing, undignified and, if possible, pant-soiling ways, not me. No, instead I’ve conducted the minimum amount of research necessary to dig out for you a collection of online idiocy that goes to prove that many of those with websites really shouldn’t have websites at all and that you really can find anything online. “What’s in a name?” wrote Shakespeare back in the awful old days. Well, Billy, have a look at these beauties…

Experts Exchange (www.expertsexchange.com)

Yes, what is in a name? Well quite a lot if Experts Exchange is anything to go by. A website that comes packed with tips and advice from the great and good on all walks of everyday life, such as finance and job seeking, you’d imagine this was an amazing online resource put together by the web-savvy for the greater good of all. Oh, hang on, www.expertsexchange.com? Expert Sexchange? Oh, it’s just somewhere you can get advice on gender reassignment and gawp at naked pictures of the genitally confused! Imagine getting those two concepts mixed up.

That said, it’s hard to imagine just how such a complicated cock-off procedure could be done virtually, but that’s why they’re ‘experts’ I guess.

Mole Station Nursery (www.molestationnursery.com)

Given the sheer volume of child sex offenders that have been plucked out of pre-school care facilities of late, you would have thought you’d think long and hard over all connotations of your web address before settling on one, even if it is just for your harmless gardening, plant and landscaping business based somewhere called Mole Station, wouldn’t you? Well you might be that careful, but not Mole Station Nursery who just went charging straight in like a crazed crack-fuelled nonce in an all you can eat playground buffet: http://www.molestationnursery.com.

No matter how much you need to get your hands on a hardy begonia and how innocent of understanding you are, we’d steer clear of Molestation Nursery at all costs, because all that Gary Glitters is clearly not Internet gold, and when the pleb at PC World has a nosey through your history when he’s supposed to be fixing your computer, this is going to ring alarm bells. And then sirens.

Amish Online Dating (www.amish-online-dating.org)

Nothing inherently wrong with the name here, but I ask you for one moment to sit and consider the contradiction: the Amish – a people famed for spurning all forms of technology in favour of a simple farming/quilt-making/Harrison Ford-hiding life set somewhere in the 18th century. They ride around in carts, raise barns and love moustache-less beards, but the most famous aspect of the Amish is that aforementioned absolute aversion to technology. So, what’s this? But of course, it’s an Internet dating site dedicated solely to people who list their only acceptable technological possessions as a horse and possibly a straw hat. Possibly the loneliest online dating site since Susan Boyle’s www.BoyleInABag.com

Pen Island (www.penisland.net)

This is so stupid that I’m inclined to believe this site was named such on purpose in a bid to draw as much attention as possible like an ADHD child with a drum, but regardless, Pen Island is your one-stop online store for all your calligraphic needs. There are standard pens, retro pens, light-up pens, fountain pens, custom pens and even laser pointer pens. That’s pens, pens, pens, people. All on a special virtual island that, depending on the way your brain processes these things, is either called Pen Island or Penis Land. The latter sounding more like the direction Disney might have taken if that cartoon stuff hadn’t worked out – “The Hardest Place on Earth”.

Therapist Finder (www.therapistfinder.com)

Either way this website is a boon to society. It’s either an essential online facility for people suffering from all kinds of mentalist problems from depression to anxiety, the stress of divorce to problematic child behaviour, or it’s a sinister sounding database that the police turn to in times of investigative desperation. “Open The Rapist Finder, Officer. Punch in these details: dressed as a clown… used a balloon animal… was heard to grunt ‘Here comes, Zippo!’ at the moment of release. Ah, there he is!”

Okay, so we already have a sex offenders’ database to turn to when yet another glam rock star turns bad, but this really is quite specific. Plus, surely this treads on the toes of the Daily Mail?

Who Represents? (www.whorepresents.com)

Well, make your mind up. You’re either a virtual resource for celebrity hungry Scorchio magazine types to find fodder for their next front cover and for overpaid politicians to source minor-celebs to pose with during election times, or you’re an online knocking shop for the lonely to browse a selection of naughty ladies prior to hiring their talents for them of their friends to enjoy like some kind of cyber pimping service.

Personally I find the former and the images of tittle-tattle magazines and/or Lembit Opik posing with weather girls it brings with it more abhorrent.

Go Tahoe (www.gotahoenorth.com)

Continuing in the realms of receiving a stranger-fumble in return for a sack of cash gushes forth this little beauty from the slap-dash minds at Lake Tahoe’s tourist board. “Lake Tahoe – Experience it All!” begins the homepage, spewing fuel onto the red-hot hooker fire. But then, for some unexplained reason, it goes all off piste and starts banging on about skiing, ice skating and snowmobiling, dropping all mention of northern hoes like they’d gone out of fashion. But then, perhaps like all that winter sports stuff, ho-ing has a season too? Ah, yes of course, Hoseasons Holidays – now it all makes sense…