Tag Archives: jesus

ALL NEW: Jesus Christ!

6 Apr

Yep, it’s Easter, the point in the Christian calendar when we shake our fists angrily at Romans (or Jews if you’re Mel Gibson), nail people to trees and then eat chocolate eggs for largely inexplicable reasons. It’s also a four day weekend and, therefore, an excellent excuse to get and then stay drunk – thanks Mr Christ!

But, despite taking the holiday days anyway, there are many who don’t really believe that a baby was born of immaculate conception, was handy at woodwork, turned water to wine, did something equally nifty with bread and fish, and spent weeks in a Perspex box suspended above the ground in London with no food, water or toilet. They’re unforgivable heathen scum who’ll burn in Hell for all eternity with members of all other so-called religions, so they’ll get theirs alright!

After all, how can you not believe in someone who just keeps turning up in the most unlikely places? I mean, we’ve all had the face of JC rearing up at us once or twice, haven’t we? For me it’s normally whilst in the throes of orgasm. Which often makes me we ponder over just how much he looks like Bin Laden. Weird. Anyway, if you haven’t yet looked upon His divinine fizzog, here’s a few clues as to where you might catch Him…

The Tea Towel of Turin

Presenting the miracle of ‘Squint Hard Enough and You Can See Brian Blessed’

The Banana of Fife

Jesus loved this lady later.

Cheesus Sandwich of Nantwich

Father, Son and Holy Toast.

The KitKat Christ

Finally connecting Christ with chocolate.

Saviour Fishes for Me

The Jesus Stingray that took Steve Irwin to ‘a better place’.

Leg of Lamb of God

What’s more He died for her shins.

The Savoury Saviour

Yes, it seems your best bet for eye on Christ action is grilled cheese sandwiches.

Pizza His Body

Or in a three-cheese pizza. There’s a theme here.

Proof of Purchase of God

Jesus not only saw you buy that copy of Underaged Shaven Dwarf Horses, He has the evidence.

Holy Sock, Batman!

“Jesus was a black man. No Jesus was Batman No, no, no, no, not at all. That was Bruce Wayne ” – Hymm 132 by Black Grape.

Writing, Wall, On The

How do you deal with that? Do you paint over Him or just have him starring at you constantly, judging you like some Simon Cowell?

That’s enough of that now. Yep, I’m off to the pub to see if I can spot Jebus at the bottom of a pint pot. Merry Easter!

IN GOD NEWS: Shine A Light!

5 Jan

Lost your path? Seeking spiritual guidance? Want to bathe in the divine light? Then, following on from the other day’s largely inexplicable Steve Jobs action figure, achieve instant enlightenment with the Jeebus torch!

God Almighty

At 2.5-inches tall, the mini-Messiah is beardier, robier and holier than thou or, indeed, any other torch, and comprises both a torch and a handy keyring, with batteries included – and that’s a Holy Trinity right there. If only they could get it to automatically switch on with a cry of “Christ it’s dark!”

I Can’t Believe it’s Not Buddha

For those who like their LED-based illumination a little less hypocritical and liable to attract nutters like extremist moths to a blinding flame of self-righteousness, also available is this dazzling deity, the Booduh. Serene and pocket-sized, let his wise ways help guide yours. Light-weight to boot, he ain’t heavy, he’s your Buddha… etc.

Gasp in Aura

The best religious-tie-ins since the Pope on a Rope, the Moses Comb (for parting your waves), the Brahman (garment for the support and control of moobs), Hebrew Teabags, Dawkins Bazaar (shop selling nothing) and, of course, Testicles (bread and fish flavoured ice treats emblazoned with Bible passages).

Other religions are available. But not in torch format.

Pray here to order.

FROM THE ARCHIVE: Things To Do Before You Die: Xmas Things

13 Dec

The final in a 13 part series of Things To Do Before You Die, the whole shebang was written from the point of view of an over-the-top, bigotted, sexist, homophobic cartoon-stereotype of  a Mexican (for reasons I can’t actually recall now). Originally published in Club magazine 2004/5, this one, fittingly, is about Crimbo…

Bored of the nine-to-five? Looking for life’s great adventure? Want to know the heady scent of adrenaline? Then meet JUAN CARLOTTA, the man the Mexicans call “El Enorigby”…

Hola, mi amigos! Si, eet ees I, Juan, back for – how we say in Mexico – the last time. Si, there ees still much I, Juan, can teach you, but due to the fact that I, Juan, have lived so much I intend to commit suicide directly after finishing this article to avoid the huge disappointment that the rest of life ees inevitably going to be!
And while we are on the subject of muerte – how you say? death – eet ees an amazing coincidence that the subject of my final article ees on one of Mexico’s many death-centred festivals: si, the festival of Christmas.
There ees an old Mexican storybook called El Beeble and the hero of this book ees a strong and hirsute Mexican revolutionary called Jesus. I won’t ruin the ending just in case you ever read eet, but he comes a real – what you might call – cropper in the end! Anyway, Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus and ees the story of his parent’s journey across Mexico so that his madre – how you say? mother – can give birth to him in a donkey’s house… for reasons that I, Juan, admit to having forgotten.
Once born, tres kings and tres goat herders turn up with the traditional Mexican birthing presents of goad (a pointy stick that we use to herd our asses), Frank incensed (an angry hombre) and myrtle (a shrub) for reasons that also elude me. And why do they come with gifts for someone they don’t know? Because he ees the son of God! Si! You did not see that one coming did you? Then some angels turn up and they all sing a song called Leetle Donkey and pull their Christmas petados – what you call “crackers”.
And this ees why we celebrate Christmas in Mexico. I think you have something similar with a chocolate rabbit in your Eeeeenglend, no? There are many different traditions attached to eet, some of which I, Juan, insist you try for yourselves. Like these here!
Now farewell, mi compadres, eet has been a great adventure, si? But now I, Juan, must – how you say? – saw my own head off in the traditional Mexican way. Adios, amigos!

Si, this was the song everyone sang at that first Christmas party in thanks to the brave dwarf donkey that carried the pregnant virgin (let’s not get into that – I, Juan, have no answers) Mary across the volcanoes, fire rivers and precarious rope bridges of Mexico in what I, Juan, believe will be eventually released as a prequel to The Greatest Story Ever Told.
Today, to celebrate the dwarf donkey’s epic journey, the immaculately pregnant virgin women of our land (of which there are increasingly mucho) race these otherwise notoriously feeble animals across the entire length of Mexico. Naturally, many leetle donkeys die in the process, but eet ees no problem as we breed many in our efficient Mexican donkey battery farms!
The leetle donkey that wins the race is proclaimed The Jesus Donkey and carried high through the village, before being hurled into a deep gully so that it can be reunited with eet’s master… in Heaven.

This ees a Christmas tale written by one of Mexico’s greatest writers, Carlos Dickenz and has become a traditional play performed across all of Mexico. Eet ees obligatory to act in eet, under pain of death.
The story follows an old Mexican businessman who ees mucho greedy and tight of the arse with his money. Everyone hates him and wishes he were dead, because they are all lazy and owe him many pesos, particularly his employee, Roberto Crapchett who has a son that ees – how you say? – a raspberry ripple.
Then, one Christmas Eve, the ghost of Bob Marley visits him and warns him to expect supernatural company! Ghosts can’t lie and, sure enough, three spirits visit the miser and show him Christmases past, present and future… and then call him a bastardo and threaten to slit his face up in Hell if he doesn’t cheer up, or something.
Needless to say, the miser sheets himself and wakes up on Christmas Day, buys an enormous goat and a sack of toys and dances through town singing – for some reason – before turning up at his impoverished employee’s house, mocking their meagre belongings and then giving them the goat for their Christmas dinner, the toys for their children and then – as eet ees a Christmas story – uses Jesus magic to cure the crippled boy! Suddenly everyone loves him and we reach the moral of the story: people can be easily bought.

I, Juan, think that this Christmas character was added to the story at a later date. He’s a wisecracking, streetwise Jaguar that walks on his hind legs and has a long beard and a red suit. He lives in the north of Mexico with a band of frightening dwarfs that try to atone for their dwarfish sins by making toys for the children of Mexico.
Then, every Christmas Eve, Santie Claws travels on a flying cart pulled by magic goats to the homes of all of Mexico’s children. There, he climbs down their chimneys or swims up their toilets (whichever is most accessible at the time) and checks his list. You see, the deal ees this: if the child has been good, then Santie Claws will leave him a dwarf toy as a reward for his behaviour. But, if the child has been bad – ai caramba! – Santie Claws eviscerates the child, like the savage Jaguar he ees, in a frenzy of claws and fangs! Then he feasts on the child’s carcass before visiting the next house. This ees why his suit ees red.
Si, Santie Claws ees a good psychological tool employed to ensure righteous behaviour from our good but occasionally bad Mexican children… and many lives are lost each year to foolish Mexican shops that employ Santie Claws impersonators which they have merely caught in the wild, dressed up and let loose.
His role in Jesus’ birth ees not really clear, but most of our priests say he ate the holy afterbirth, which is how he got his ‘powers’.

Eet ees thick Mexican tradition that, every Christmas Day at three o’clock, we all gather in the town square to listen to El Reina’s Discurso – how you say? – the Queen’s speech. Normally he talks about events in our great country over the past year… and then begs forgiveness for his filthy, disease-spreading homosexuality.
Unfortunately for him eet ees too late to recant his disgusting gay practice, plus, eet ees Christmas – and everyone knows how God feels about these miscreants that spit in His face! So next comes another rich Mexican Christmas tradition: putting the fairy on top of the village Christmas tree… normally by inserting the tree into his rectum and leaving him impaled there until he bleeds to death through his anus. He’ll soon wish he’d never handled another man’s baubles, no?!

The good but simple and frequently disfigured people of Mexico are famous the world over for their glorious singing voices, and never ees there such a time of song in Mexico as there ees at Christmas.
Si, many are the villancicos – how you say? carols – that we sing together: Leetle Donkey, of course; Sandy the Sandman (which is now banned due to eet’s racist content); White Christmas (same); Violent Night (oddly savage Christmas ditty); The First Noel (in tribute to your Eeeengleesh Swap Shop superstar, Noel Edmunds); Walking in a Mexican Hinterland (depressing dirge about breaking down in the ‘unpleasant’ areas of Mexico) and many more besides!
Gangs of carol singers roam the villages all across our country, singing these songs at people whether they want to hear them or not! And the only way you can stop them – like our Mariachi bands in restaurants – ees to pay them to go away or counter them by invoking the ancient right of Kenbarlo, which entitles you to hold them down and whack them repeatedly in their flesh piñatas – how you say? people-nuts – with a special festive flail! Eet ees an obscenely rich tradition!